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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25121266">How to Turn a Death Threat into a Date</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/KuraKaw/pseuds/KuraKaw'>KuraKaw</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - No Powers, Cats, Crack, Death Threats, Flirting, M/M, Wrong Number AU, cat lady bucky, crack and fluff, light stabbing</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 09:06:47</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,359</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25121266</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/KuraKaw/pseuds/KuraKaw</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky texts the wrong number after throwing his old phone in a porta potty and Steve stealing his cat kigurumi.</p><p>Tony can't help but be curious about the death threat that he receives from an unknown number that for once he knows nothing about.</p><p>Somehow, these idiots end up together.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James "Bucky" Barnes/Tony Stark</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>116</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>475</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Hey, Shady Baby</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">


        <li>
            Inspired by

            <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/10491447">A Point to Happiness</a> by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/idratherhaveyou/pseuds/idratherhaveyou">idratherhaveyou</a>.
        </li>

    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This fic is inspired a little bit by one of my favorite wrong number AUs ever which I highly recommend if you read Captive Prince fic. Anywho, inspired by that, ft. wrong numbers, terrible clothing being stolen by best friends, and an unfortunate mopey breakup. Also Harley Keener.</p><p>Enjoy. Or don't. Just read it and suffer. Idk, you're your own person and can make your own bad decisions.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="u">Wednesday</span>
</p><p>(2:01p)<em> I will fucking stab you istg </em></p><p>(2:01p)<em> You better return my cat kigurumi. I know you stole it asshole</em></p><p>(2:02p) <em> C'mon you heartless bastard. You know that was Alpine's favorite</em></p><p>(2:03p) <em> Also your read receipts are on, shitface </em></p><p>(2:05p) <em> Oh shit </em></p><p>(2:05p) <em> This isn't Steve, I'm so sorry</em></p><p>(2:05p) <em> Wrong number</em></p><p>(2:06p) <em> I just realized because Steve just fucking texted me, the smug lil shit</em></p><p>(2:07p) <em> Oh shoot sorry if you're a kid I have a filthy mouth</em></p><p>(2:08p) <em> I'm really sorry about all of this</em></p><p>(2:10p) <em> Oh God I really hope you aren't paying like 10 cents per text or something. I can venmo you the money or something I'm really sorry</em></p><p>(2:15p) <b>Don't be sorry. Your texts provided a rather welcome distraction from a terribly boring meeting. Though it’s been a while since I’ve received any death threats.</b></p><p>(2:16p) <b>And no, I'm not a child, and I have a 14 year old whose language is even worse than yours. Also, who still pays per text???</b></p><p>(2:16p) <em> My best friend Steve </em></p><p>(2:17p) <b>The same Steve that you just tried to send a dozen texts.</b></p><p>(2:18p) <em> Yeah. He also hates it when I swear. I’ll find a way to make him pay… even if it’s $1.20 on his phone bill. Also, I wouldn’t kill Steve, unlike some people, I have SKILL. It would be a light stab, you could even call it loving.</em></p><p>(2:19p) <b>Right. Cause he stole your cursed cat onesie.</b></p><p>(2:20p) <em> FIRST OF ALL </em></p><p>(2:21p) <em> Okay yeah, I have no excuse. I’m a grown man with a nyan cat kigurumi, what about it? </em></p><p>(2:36p) <b>At least you know your actions are inexcusable.</b></p><p>(2:38p) <em> Wow. Hurtful. I reveal my deepest, darkest secret to you, and that’s how you react? </em></p><p>(2:39p) <b>I don’t even know who you are.</b></p><p>(2:40p) <em> Oh right. Sorry, my name is Bucky and I’m an adult human man with a cat kigurumi.</em></p><p>(2:43p) <b>The fact that you specified ‘human’ is not reassuring.</b></p><p>(2:45p) <em> Bucky is a real boy</em></p><p>(2:47p) <b>Riiiiiiight. Not that this hasn’t been thrilling, but I have to go back to work now. Have fun with your stabbing.</b></p><p>(2:49p) <em> Aw thanks, doll. Really appreciate your support in these trying times</em></p><p>(2:57p) <em> Steve sent me another picture of himself in my kigurumi. The lovingness of his future stabbing decreases with each and every image. Btw. </em></p><p>(3:15p) <em> Okay he sent me a pic of his asshole bf in my kigurumi. The stabbing is officially veering into plain stabbing territory. </em></p><p>(4:45p) <b>In interest of plausible deniability, I’m going to have to ask you to stop there.</b></p><p>(4:47p) <em> Yes, cause when I’m inevitably arrested for my best friend’s murder, they’re gonna find the random dude I texted that I don’t even know the name of</em></p><p>(4:52p) <b>Stranger things have happened. One time I was arrested because my best friend made me laugh and I spit out a gummy worm and someone slipped on it and I accidentally elbowed them in the face on their way down. Also ‘dude’????</b></p><p>(4:55p) <em> Person? Woman? Enby? </em></p><p>(4:56p) <b>Less to do with the gender and more to do with really? Dude? Gender-wise, it’s fine.</b></p><p>(4:56p) <em> Your failure to stop me means Steve’s blood is on your hands as well [image] </em></p><p>(4:57p) <em> So judgy</em></p><p>(4:58p) <b>That’s ketchup.</b></p><p>(4:59p) <em> It’s a metaphor</em></p><p>(5:05p) <b>What could the ketchup possibly be a metaphor for?</b></p><p>(5:07p) <em> Steve could be a tomato. You don’t know me, you don’t know my life. </em></p><p>(5:08p) <b>Don’t you have anything better to do than text the random wrong number that you threatened to stab?</b></p><p>(5:09p) <em> Not really. Other than mope and contemplate Steve’s inevitable demise. Which, yeah sorry about texting you. I got a new phone, and apparently I typed in Steve’s number wrong</em></p><p>(5:12p) <b>There’s this fantastic thing called data tranfer which prevents things like that.</b></p><p>(5:13p) <em> Well yeah, but you see, things like data transfer tend to work better when your old phone isn’t in a porta potty somewhere</em></p><p>(5:15p)<b> … I don’t think I want to know…</b></p><p>(5:16p) <em> It was a choice, albeit a bad one. We all make poor decisions after a bad breakup. Don’t judge me. </em></p><p>(5:16p) <em> So now I have just Steve’s number because he texted me and yours, o nameless one. I could really use a second contact to make myself look a little less pathetic ;( </em></p><p>(5:23p) <b>I don’t think winky faces really work with frowns.</b></p><p>(5:23p) <em> Darlin, you haven’t seen my smoulder yet  </em></p><p>(5:24p) <b>Also why would I give my number to someone who abused technology for their ex’s sins and threatened to stab me?</b></p><p>(5:25p) <em> ;’( </em></p><p>(5:31p) <b>…</b></p><p>(5:31p) <b>It’s Tony.</b></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. I'm Hot Like the Prodigal Son</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>In which I make fun of Grusk, Bucky makes bad puns, and Tony loves his gremlin child.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>SO I REALIZED... I forgot to add a key or a day for chapter 1... at least that's just Bucky and Tony and it's p obvious?</p><p>Bucky in italics<br/>Tony in bold<br/>Steve in bold and italics<br/>Harley as plain text</p><p>I went back and added a little Wednesday tag just to avoid any confusion.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="u">
    <span>Wednesday</span>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>(6:45p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>;) I’m smiling… on the inside… on the outside, it’s all smoulder, Tony.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(6:48p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Also the bad breakup has less to do with her sins and more to do with the fact that she took one of my cats when she moved out. She’s still one of my best friends.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:04p) </span>
  <b>For someone who has nothing to do but mope and contemplate murder, you managed to disappear right as I got off work.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:08p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>5:30 is feeding time for the fur children. If they don’t have their food within 5 minutes, they’ll take my other arm.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:10p) </span>
  <b>There are so many concerning parts of that statement.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:10p) </span>
  <b>The implication that they took one of your arms to begin with.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:11p) </span>
  <b>What would they do with your arm??? Eat it? Keep it as a trophy? Each possibility is worse than the last.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:15p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Yes, all of the above</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:19p) </span>
  <b>As fascinating as that sounds, I'm going to go feed my actual child before he takes inspiration from your cats.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:22p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Alpine would be proud to have inspired the masses</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <span>Thursday</span>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:56a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>ur a cool dude</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:56a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I reslly apprciate u</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:57a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>like a whole</span>
  </em>
  <span> lot</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:04a) </span>
  <b>You're drunk, aren't you?</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:05a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>jus a little like thiiiiiiiiis much</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:06a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>typin one handed jus gers tha much harder</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:08a) </span>
  <b>Right. Because your cat took one.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:09a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Wel rssian mob, cat, same diffrenxe. I have a replacment, but thr metl doesn wrk with toycg screens</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:14a) </span>
  <b>What</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:15a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>waht</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:17a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>o maybr I shouldnta siad that</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:18a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>whoops?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:20a)</span>
  <b> I'm going to need to know more about that metal arm, but for now, as someone who knows hangovers intimately, go drink a glass of water, and go to sleep.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:21a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I'd liek go know YOU intimately</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:22a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Sleep sounds goos. Gnight Ton</span>
  </em>
  <span>y</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(11:42a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Oh geez. I've been told I'm a terrible flirt when I'm drunk. I'm sorry?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(11:45a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Well, a terrible flirt in general, but more so when drunk.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:32p) </span>
  <b>Arm.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:45p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Right. It's a Hammer Tech arm. I wanted the Stark one, but my shitty insurance was useless for that. It's one of the newer models with actual touch sensitivity and such so I don't break everything I touch.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:46p) <em>I woulda saved up for a Stark one, but I need two hands for holding all this pussy.</em></span>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:51p) </span>
  <b>Disgusting. Hammer Tech is a disgrace. At least you're a man of taste. Did you try applying for the aid for the Stark prosthetic?</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:56p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>The huh?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(1:00p) </span>
  <b>SI has an aid program for prosthetics because Hammer Tech is garbage and letting people wear that crap should be a crime.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(1:02p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I… did not know that… huh. Why do you know that?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(1:07p) </span>
  <b>I work in R&amp;D at SI. Which makes your repeated offenses against technology extra terrible. </b>
</p><p>
  <span>(1:09p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I'm sorry?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(1:24p) </span>
  <b>You should be, Mr. I throw my phone in porta potties.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(1:32p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>That was one (1) time</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(1:33p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>It isn't even as bad as the time my phone got smashed by an anvil.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(1:48p) </span>
  <b>…</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(1:49p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>That one wasn't even my fault</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(1:51p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Russian mob that cost me my arm</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(1:52p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Which, btw who even answers texts at 3 AM??? Even Steve ignores my texts at 3 AM.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:12p) </span>
  <b>People who are up at 3 AM.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:13p) </span>
  <b>Every time you mention Steve, he sounds more like a crotchety old man.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:19p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>HAH. He IS a crotchety old man and I'm gonna tell him you said so.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(2:20p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>You're a crotchety old man</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:20p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Tony said so.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:34p) </span>
  <b>
    <em>??? Who??? And quit texting me, jerk. You know I pay per text. </em>
  </b>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:35p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Yea, cause you're an old man </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(2:38p) </span>
  <b>Yes, because I'm sure he cares so much what I think of him.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:40p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I'm sure he's heartbroken</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:41p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Like straight up ugly crying.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:14p) </span>
  <b>Uhuh. Well some of us actually have jobs, so bye.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:14p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hey! I have a job. I’m just not doin it rn</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:15p) </span>
  <b>Watching anime in your basement while wearing cat ears doesn’t count as a job</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:17p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Then what do Elon Musk and Grimes do?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:18p) </span>
  <b>Nothing useful.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:18p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I forgot. SI. Of course you don’t care for Tesla.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:19p) </span>
  <b>And Elon Musk is an irredeemable dick</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:20p)</span>
  <em>
    <span> Good to know</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:23p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I do actually have a job tho.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:24p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I work for the NY Humane Society. Hence the dozen or so of cats.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:24p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>They’re all foster fails cause I’m a weak idiot and my coworkers know it</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:32p) </span>
  <b>Compassion doesn’t make you weak or an idiot.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:33p) </span>
  <b>The kid was a foster fail of a sort.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:33p) </span>
  <b>I didn’t even foster him, and now he stays with me every summer. I couldn’t get rid of him if I tried, clingy bastard.</b>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(5:33p) hey wtf</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:33p) I’m not a clingy bastard</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:34p) </span>
  <b>I knew you were reading my fucking texts</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:35p) </span>
  <b>I’m on my way back. What do you want me to pick up for dinner?</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:35p) The Great and Powerful Technomage Tony Stark always knows when someone messes with his tech. So, Bucky. He sounds cute.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:36p) </span>
  <b>You wanna starve, got it.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:36p) Wait no the Chinese place with really good dumplings</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:39p) Toooooonnnnyyyyyyyyyyyyy</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:40p) Mechaaaaaaaaaniiiiiiiiiiiiiic</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:42p) </span>
  <b>I got our regular and some of those donut things.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:43p) omg ilu</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:43p) I’ll even wait until after dinner to bring Bucky up again</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Am I using lyrics from Left Hand Free for the chapter titles? Yes. Yes, I am.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Watch His Right Hand Slip</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Late Night Conversations ft. Harley, screaming cats, and DUM-E</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Yes, Bucky keysmashes, what of it?</p><p>I have never actually made a cat cupcake, but I assume there are recipes since there are for dogs.</p><p>This chapter is much longer than I had intended...</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="u">
    <span>Thursday</span>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>(6:34p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Maybe, but 7 cats, most of which have handicaps should be enough for me to wise up and stop letting them dump sick cats on me</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:32p) </span>
  <b>Apparently, my feral child decided I was acting weird and took that as an excuse to hack my phone and has been reading most of our texts.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:33p) </span>
  <b>I wish I could say I didn't know where he got it from.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:38p) </span>
  <b>Also he got your number, and I couldn't get his phone away from him, so he might be texting you soon. Beware.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:42p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Just take it away from him?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:45p) </span>
  <b>Can't.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:46p) </span>
  <b>He's taller than me.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:48p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Didn't you say he's 14????</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:48p) </span>
  <b>Yes.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:49p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>omg and he's taller than you?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:50p) </span>
  <b>Shut up. I'm perfectly average.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:52p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>That sounds like something a short person would say</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:53p) </span>
  <b>How tall are you then?</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:54p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>6'0" what about you?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:55p) </span>
  <b>… I hate you…</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:55p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>That's not an answer</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(7:56p) What's up, loser</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:56p) He's 5'7"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:57p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>so smol :0</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:58p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Thank you, mystery child</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:59p) It's Harley.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(8:00p) </span>
  <b>The bastard child is now wheezing on the floor. </b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:00p) </span>
  <b>I'm assuming that's because of you.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:02p) </span>
  <b>I'M NOT SMALL</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:05p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>itty bitty tiny Tony :0</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:06p) </span>
  <b>I hope you die a terrible death and your cats feast on your corpse.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:07p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Aw, c'mon. That's just uncalled for. Be the bigger person.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(8:11p) What did you say to Tony to make him sulk? This is better than TV.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:12p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I told him to be the bigger person. He's sulking?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:13p) Like a wet cat.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(8:19p) </span>
  <b>I do not sulk like a wet cat.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:20p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I'm sure you don't, but if you did, it would be adorable.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:22p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Steve has arrived to be murdered. Bye, Tony.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:23p) </span>
  <b>In the interest of plausible deniability, I'm going to ignore the first part of that. Bye, Bucky.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <span>Friday</span>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:17a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Are you still up?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:21a) </span>
  <b>Of course.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:21a) </span>
  <b>Sleep is not my friend.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:22a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Same. Can you talk to me?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:24a) </span>
  <b>Is that not what I was doing? Why?</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:24a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hahaha. Hilarious. Tonight is not a good night and I need distraction.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:25a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Steve is already asleep, most of my friends are. Well except my ex, probably, but I would feel weird asking for her help now.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:26a) </span>
  <b>Insomnia is a bitch. I could use a break anyways.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:27a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>What are you working on?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:27a) </span>
  <b>I just have one stubborn bit of code to work out on a project from work.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:28a) </span>
  <b>Also I've been trying to train my bot not to poison me.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:28a) </span>
  <b>It isn't going well.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:29a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>You have a robot? Like an actual real physical robot?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:33a) </span>
  <b>Yes, DUM-E [image]</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:34a) </span>
  <b>I can't tell you how many tries it took to get a good picture. He kept moving and they were all blurry.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:34a) </span>
  <b>Actually, I can.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:35a) </span>
  <b>[image] [image] [image] [image] [image] [image] [image] [image] [image]</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:36a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>dbskfkksabx</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:36a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Oh my god I love him</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:37a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>He deserves the world</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:38a) </span>
  <b>No he doesn't.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:39a) </span>
  <b>He tried to put motor oil in my smoothie. Again. Then sprayed it all over the wall because the lid wasn't on.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:39a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>He doooooooeeeeeeeessss.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:40a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>He's doing his best.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:41a) </span>
  <b>You only say that because you haven't had a motor oil smoothie.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:41a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>If my cool pet robot made me a smoothie with motor oil, I would simply drink it anyways. Rip to you, but I'm different.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:42a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>How did you end up with DUM-E?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:42a) </span>
  <b>I built him when I was in college.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:43a) </span>
  <b>Biggest mistake of those 4 years. Which is saying something.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:44a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Nooooo I looooove hiiiim</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:44a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Also don't think I didn't notice you didn't say of your life</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:45a) </span>
  <b>Tesla, no. I've made far bigger mistakes.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:46a) </span>
  <b>What do you normally do on bad nights?</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:48a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>The subject change was not subtle. I'll let it slide… this time…</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:49a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>My ex, Nat, would usually stay up with me.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:49a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>But I feel kinda weird asking her to now, and texting your ex at 2 AM sounds like a bad cliche</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:50a) </span>
  <b>It definitely is.</b>
</p><p><span>(2:50a) </span><b>A bad cliche that is.</b> <b>Which is not to say I haven't done it.</b></p><p>
  <span>(2:50a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Oh? Any late night booty calls in your past?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:51a) </span>
  <b>Plenty. And I regret all of them.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:52a) </span>
  <b>Especially my last ex. He was a real piece of shit.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:52a)</span>
  <em>
    <span> Feel yah on the pos ex department.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:53a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I'm good with Nat, I just don't know where the line is anymore. We spent so long as a couple, I'm not really sure how to go back to being friends. Y'know?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:54a) </span>
  <b>Trust me, I know all about weird relationship dynamics.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:55a) </span>
  <b>My boss is my ex but also one of my best friends, but before we went out and I stepped down, I was her boss, and she was still one of my best friends. And after we broke up, we did the whole friends with benefits thing for a while, and now, I'm still her date when she has to go to events.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:57a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>…</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:58a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>… what?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:58a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I swear I've read that like 5 times and it isn't making sense.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:59a) </span>
  <b>Exactly.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:00a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Right. Now that I'm sufficiently confused… bi?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:01a) </span>
  <b>Pan, actually. You?</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:01a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I was so close... Bi.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:12a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Please don't tell me you're one of those people that think pansexuality is morally superior.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:17a) </span>
  <b>Sorry, no. I just disappeared because DUM-E decided to make abstract art with a smoothie on my ceiling… again… [image]</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:18a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>HE'S DOING HIS BEST</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:20a) </span>
  <b>His best is going to get him donated to a community college.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:21a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Noooooo he's just a baby</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:22a) </span>
  <b>If he were human, he would be a legal adult.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:22a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>wait wtf?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:23a) </span>
  <b>I made him 18 years ago as of last month.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:23a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Ok, two questions: how old are you??? And did he get cake?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:24a) </span>
  <b>Nosy. I'm 35, I built him before I graduated at 17. And yes, he got cake.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:24a)</span>
  <b> Which was a huge mistake. I was cleaning cake out of his joints for weeks.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:25a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>How are you only 3 years older than me with a legal adult robot child??? Also, I really need a picture.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:27a)</span>
  <b> [image]</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:27a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>HE'S PRECIOUS</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:28a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>HOLY SHIT</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:29a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>AND YOU HAVE MORE ROBOTS? DNSMCNDJF</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:30a) </span>
  <b>Yes, those are U and Butterfingers. They're DUM-E's younger and less accident prone siblings.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:32a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I made Alpine a cupcake for his birthday [image]</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:32a) </span>
  <b>That's the fluffiest cat I've ever seen… and the ugliest outfit I've ever seen.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:33a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>That's my nyan cat kigurumi that Steve stole.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:34a) </span>
  <b>He stole it and didn't immediately set it on fire?</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:35a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>&gt;:(</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:35a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I love my kigurumi</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:36a) </span>
  <b>Unfortunate. It would look better on the ground. Covered in gasoline.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:37a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>You're just trying to get me to strip ;(</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:38a) </span>
  <b>Maybe so.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:41a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Alpine has decided my attention has been elsewhere for long enough.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:42a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I think my cat sitting on my chest and screaming will be sufficient distraction. Thank you for staying to talk with me, Tony.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:45a) </span>
  <b>Any time, Bucky.</b>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>How did I manage to write cake into this...</p><p>My boss's 12 year old daughter is as tall if not taller than me and one of my friends in 8th grade was 5'11". Harley is tall and it is terrible.</p><p>EDIT: I realized when someone commented I never actually linked the post about the pan/bi thing.... can you make moral goodness clap?</p><p>https://pentabulge.tumblr.com/post/189380573866/i-mean-this-is-tea-i-love-myself-too-much-to-fuck</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Towards His (Potato) Gun, Oh No</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>In which Harley is a potatassin (potato assassin) and Bucky returns to work.</p><p>EDIT: I'm sorry no noods 😔</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello and sorry. I've been sitting on this since at least Friday and just have been procrastinating. I am actually working 4 days this week instead of my usual 3, so I probably won't get another chapter up until this weekend or early next week.</p><p>Yell at me on tumblr @kurakaw (don't actually, i'll fite u).</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="u">
    <span>Friday</span>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:23a) Someone was up rather late last night</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:23a) That have anything to do with your new friend?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:27a) </span>
  <b>I thought I told you to stop reading my texts</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:29a) I did!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:29a) You ran into the wall in the hallway and started swearing loudly at like 4 AM</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:30a) It was just a guess, but thank you for the confirmation :3</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:31a) </span>
  <b>I'm gonna throw you and your phone off a cliff</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:32a) Not my phone D:</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(9:14a) </span>
  <b>Come down to the lab. I need to work with someone who isn't too busy trying to prove themselves to get anything done.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:16a) I'll be down in a few.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:16a) But I'm not changing out of my pajamas</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:17a) </span>
  <b>That's fine. Bring the potato gun too.</b>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(11:45a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Oh my God I'm taking my lunch break early before I punch someone</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(11:46a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I'm never taking off work ever again. Nobody can keep anything running while I take a few days off and it's just more work</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(11:48a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>And someone stole my lunch. McFucking Fantastic</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(11:54a) </span>
  <b>I'll let you borrow Harley.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(11:55a)</span>
  <b> I had to have him come work with me because none of the people who are actually paid to do shit can do it without jacking off about how great they are.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(11:55a) </span>
  <b>I've shot 3 people with potatoes. I am armed and dangerous.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:02p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>… How do you shoot someone with a potato</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:03p) </span>
  <b>Potato gun [image]</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:04p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Holy shit do you have all the cool things?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:05p) </span>
  <b>Generally yes, but this is Harley's. I've only helped upgrade it over the years.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:05p) </span>
  <b>Besides, SI is out of weapons. Can't have people blaming us for death by potato.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:06p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I wish I could train Alpine to shoot co-workers that annoy me with potatoes</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:07p) </span>
  <b>*palpatine voice* do it</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:07p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Gasp! A nerd!</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:08p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Unfortunately, thumbs or the lack thereof are an issue</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:08p) </span>
  <b>Star Wars is A Treasure how dare you</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:09p) </span>
  <b>Challenge accepted.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:09p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Star Trek is better.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:10p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Wait are you going to make a potato gun that cats can use?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:10p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>If you did I would love you forever</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:11p) </span>
  <b>Everyone has opinions</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:12p) </span>
  <b>Some people have bad ones.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:12p) </span>
  <b>Yes, it’s on the docket.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:12p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>You. You’re some people.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:13p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>You come into my house and you insult my Star Trek</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:13p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Fight me in the denny’s parking lot, bitch</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:15p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Ah shit and that’s the end of my lunch break. Back into the fray</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:15p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>But don’t think this is over. I have some OPINIONS. See yah, Tony</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:16p) </span>
  <b>Talk to you later, Bucky.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:32p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Holy shit how do people ever take time off??? I think I may literally drown in paperwork.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:34p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Like I just finished placing orders</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:34p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I was late coming home to feed the gremlins and the feral little assholes were ready to gnaw my feet off</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:35p)</span>
  <b> Are you sure you have cats</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:36p) </span>
  <b>And not rabid raccoons or something of the sort</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:37p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>God I wish. Then I would have an excuse to run around biting the idiots. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:37p) </span>
  <b>It always comes to violence with you</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:38p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>How would you feel if apparently a dog ate a leash and hasn’t been getting up for several days, but the kennel tech didn’t tell anyone</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:38p) </span>
  <b>Violent</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:39p) </span>
  <b>Though I feel like that warrants asking: why the fuck did the dog eat the leash to begin with</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:39p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck if I know. That dog has a few screws loose. Turns out it wasn’t even the leash he ate causing the issue.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:40p) </span>
  <b>That sounds like a hot mess</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:41p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Sure fucking was, but I’m a hotter mess, so eh</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:42p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>How was your day</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:44p) </span>
  <b>You sure are. It was better than yours I’d bet. Harley, armed with a potato gun, shielded me from the worst of it.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:15p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Lucky bastard… I can’t decide if that was supposed to be a compliment or not</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:16p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I suppose I should just be grateful that no one brought us goats… again… </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:18p) </span>
  <b>Goats??? Didn’t you say you work in NY?</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:19p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>There are actually plenty of goats upstate. But yes, having goats in NYC was dumb as shit. And shit is what they got. A whole bunch of it. All over their lovely rooftop garden.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:20p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I miss those little bastards. We got them to a rescue farm pretty quick, but I still visit them occasionally. There’s something charming about a goat trying to eat your hair that cats just don’t quite manage.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:24p) </span>
  <b>I’ll have to take your word on that.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:26p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Alright. I gotta get back to my sea of paperwork, but don’t think I’ve forgotten about St*r W*rs.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:27p) </span>
  <b>Did you really just censor Star Wars?</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:28p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Watch your fucking language, asshole</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:29p)</span>
  <b> Uhuh. Bye, Bucky.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:34p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>No wait I lied come back</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:35p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Save me from the paperwork pls</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:41p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Dammit</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hello, I feel like I should mention: I do work at a vet office, and we do work with several rescues (2.5). We don't actually work with our local humane society, but I'm assuming it is much like other rescues.</p><p>The case I described has actually happened at one of the rescues with a German Shepherd puppy. He is very sweet, but yes, he has a few screws loose.</p><p>And I feel like every place has a Bucky, that one person who's the center of operations, not necessarily the boss, but still the HBIC. Every rescue has one, our office has one (or two). In this fic, it's Bucky. When he finally takes a vacation/a day off, everything goes to hell in a handbasket (see leash-eating dog above).</p><p>Also as we are in kitten season and I've mentioned Bucky's half dozen cats a great many times, support your local rescues (as you are able and the current mess allows)! They're probably drowning in kittens! And if you find kittens, please do not dump/abandon them, rescues, vet offices, or otherwise!</p><p>I will possibly start putting animal blurbs down here if anyone is interested? My office currently has several kittens that someone dumped, and their antics are the bestest.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Send Noods</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Bucky finishes his paperwork and receives some noods from Steve. Tony gets his own noods. Bucky loves his knives 🔪</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>henlo I've officially strayed from Left Hand Free for chapter titles.</p><p>I have a terrible sense of humor and an immense love for noods, so I'm sorry.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="u">
    <span>Saturday</span>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>(11:37a) </span>
  <b>How was your paperwork</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(11:38a) </span>
  <b>Terrible I assume</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(11:40a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>It was the fucking worst</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(11:41a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I only got through ¾ before I gave up for the night. I still have more.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(11:43a) </span>
  <b>Why do you think I stepped down to be a lowly R&amp;D goon</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(11:43a) </span>
  <b>Paperwork is the devil’s toilet paper</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(11:46a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Well that’s an image I never wanted or needed</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(11:47a) </span>
  <b>I live to serve</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(11:58a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Steve is no longer on my hit list</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(11:59a) </span>
  <b>Because he’s dead or… </b>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:01p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>He brought me boba with coffee jelly</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:02p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>And noodles. I fucking love noodles</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:03p) </span>
  <b>Send noods</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:05p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>[image]</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:05p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hope this pic of my meat isn’t unsolicited ;P</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:07p) </span>
  <b>That’s so hot. Holy shit, that’s steamy.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:08p) </span>
  <b>10/10 would put that in my mouth</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:09p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>You wouldn’t fucking dare</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:09p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’ll fucking cut you</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:10p) </span>
  <b>You wouldn’t share your noods with me?</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:11p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>No. Look, don’t touch.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:11p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>No one touches my noods and keeps all their limbs, not even me.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:17p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Except Alpine. Little shit stole a noodle, but I love him too much to maim him.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:18p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>[image]</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:19p) </span>
  <b>He looks pissed.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:20p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>He probably is. Didn’t appreciate me chasing him across my apartment over a noodle.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:21p) </span>
  <b>… seriously… </b>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:22p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Yes, seriously. Non-con nood theft is a terrible thing.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:23p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I need to get back to the CBT known as paperwork. Talk to you later</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:25p) </span>
  <b>Bye, noodist</b>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(12:48p) Are you done texting loverboy and giggling at your phone?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:49p) </span>
  <b>I’m sitting right next to you. You didn’t need to text me.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(12:49p) You didn’t need to respond. C’mon. I wanna kick your ass in Mario Kart.</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(3:37p) </span>
  <b>I feel like ‘I wanna kick your ass in Mario Kart’ ought to be considered fighting words</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(4:19p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Pretty sure they legally are.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(4:21p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Harley?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(4:22p) </span>
  <b>Yep</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(4:22p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Did he tho</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(4:24p) </span>
  <b>I can neither confirm nor deny</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(4:25p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’ll take that as a yes</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(4:26p) </span>
  <b>…</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(4:26p) </span>
  <b>So I assume you’re done with your paperwork</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(4:29p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>You’re not subtle, but yes, yes I am. Things should be back to normal next week.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(4:29p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>What about you? Any potato fatalities creating more paperwork for you?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(4:32p) </span>
  <b>Nope. Harley is skilled in non-lethal missions.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(4:35p) </span>
  <b>He’s actually been on a food network binge, so we’re about to go eat at some hole in the wall with supposedly authentic Vietnamese food.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(4:36p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Ooh my ex loved places like that.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(4:37p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I was never really one to go out to eat alone tho</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(4:39p) </span>
  <b>I wish. I burn at least 60% of what I cook, so I end up eating out a lot unless someone else is cooking for me.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(4:40p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>omg how even</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(4:43p) </span>
  <b>Fuck if I know. I look away and suddenly it’s smoking but notably NOT on fire, and DUM-E is drenching it and me with the fire extinguisher.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(4:44p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>WHAT A GOOD BOI</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(4:45p) </span>
  <b>Gotta go</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(4:45p) </span>
  <b>DO NOT ENCOURAGE HIM</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:24p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>So I decided to go for a short jog</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:24p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I don’t know what I was thinking, idk fitness or something I guess</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:25p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>But it was a terrible idea</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:25p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I locked myself out and just had to crawl in the fire escape window while cats attacked my shoes</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:27p) </span>
  <b>How did you open the window?</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:28p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Knife 🔪</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:28p) </span>
  <b>…</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:28p) </span>
  <b>You had a knife but not your keys… </b>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:29p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I don’t need your judgement Mr. I Assault My Coworkers With Potatoes. Yes I had a knife and not my keys. I can get into my apartment with a knife, but I can’t arm a roomba to cut a bitch with my keys.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:31p) </span>
  <b>Not with that attitude</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:49p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’ve tried stabbing people with my keys and it is significantly less effective than a knife</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:53p) </span>
  <b>Why did you try to stab someone with a key?</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:54p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I don’t remember. I was drunk and stabby and my knife was AWOL</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:56p)</span>
  <b> You concern me.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:56p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Aw babe I’d only stab you if you asked first</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:57p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>How was your Vietnamese food</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:58p) </span>
  <b>Surprisingly good [image]</b>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(5:58p) Jesus Chrysler could you stop texting Tony for like 5 minutes he’s turning into one of those people that takes pictures of his food instead of eating it</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:59p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Sorry. I’m very appreciative of his nood pics if that makes it any better ;(</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(6:00p) Wow that was just horrible</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(6:01p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Rude. Just rude. I had to go shower anyway.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(6:01p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Your child is rude about the noods</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I personally headcanon Tony as being ADHD and forgetting about shit and letting it burn... also known as why I personally am meticulous about timers while cooking...</p><p>Also bubble tea/boba is the best and if you haven't had it, do. I love all the add in options, but tbh just the tapioca pearls is 10/10.</p><p>This week on kitten antics...<br/>I took my puppy to work, and he licked the kittens. They did not appreciate it and reared up like little tiny bears and tried to chomp his nose.<br/>2 of them have gone to new homes through a rescue, the lil tabby baby with the kinked tail and tendency to SCREAM (his nickname was Screech) has found a new home with our new receptionist. We're down to 2!<br/>Also the remaining 2 stole his leash and dragged it under the kennels... I had to lay on the floor with kittens crawling on me and chomping my hair to drag it out....<br/>Do you know how hard it is to watch a documentary on cave paintings that somehow turned to crocodiles and existentialism while kittens try to climb on you and then 30 pounds of idiot puppy follow trying to lick the kittens? Very... Especially when you're allergic to cats *whistles inconspicuously*</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Bird Watching Goes Both Ways</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>In which noods are discussed, Harley is The Devil Himself, and Steve don't got time for Bucky's bs.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So I realized I never explained the little bi/pan thing a few chapters back. No, I don't think one is morally superior. I was referring to this post:<br/>https://pentabulge.tumblr.com/post/189380573866/i-mean-this-is-tea-i-love-myself-too-much-to-fuck<br/>I was thiiiiiiis close to writing "can you make moral goodness clap?"</p><p>Enjoy some trash.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="u">
    <span>Saturday</span>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>(6:32p) </span>
  <b>I can’t believe you were texting my 14 year old about noods</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(7:03p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Your noods specifically. Which I greatly appreciated btw. You should send me more ;)</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(7:12p) </span>
  <b>In your dreams. Can't have you drooling on yourself at work.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(7:14p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Noods are sfw??? Besides, if I go into the dog kennels, I'll fit right in.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(7:15p) </span>
  <b>Aw don't be mean to the dogs just cause you're secretly a crazy cat lady</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(7:15p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Excuse me, I am out and proud about my inner crazy cat lady. But really, I like dogs too. Goats. Reptiles are okay, not as good as mammals for cuddling. Not enough body heat. But birds... Birds can get fucked.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(7:16p) </span>
  <b>What did birds ever do to you???</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(7:18p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>You mean outside the obvious? Nat had a few pet spiders when we started dating. I didn't care for them, but they're fine. Pigeons though. Fuck pigeons. When I was a kid, a pigeon stole my ice cream cone. Birds aren't even real.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(7:19p) </span>
  <b>Seems like animals steal your food a lot. One of my interns has a weird obsession with spiders. He and Harley have discussed making a spider gun.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(7:20p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>No.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(7:21p) </span>
  <b>No?</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(7:22p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>No.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:22p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>You can't. I would cry</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:23p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Unlike my frowning, it isn't sexy at all. I would straight up ugly cry if something like a SPIDER GUN existed. No.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(7:24p) </span>
  <b>Has anyone ever told you you're completely ridiculous?</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(7:25p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Yes. A great many people. Usually while they roll their eyes at me.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(7:26p) </span>
  <b>They were right. All of them. It is disturbingly endearing.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(7:28p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>You like it?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(7:29p) </span>
  <b>Yes? You make me laugh. Even when you're threatening to stab me.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(7:29p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>OMG no take backs.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:30p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Also that wasn't a threat. That was a promise. But I would never stab you unless you asked me cause I'm a gentleman.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(7:32p) </span>
  <b>Why the duck would I ask</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:32p) </span>
  <b>*fuck</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:33p) </span>
  <b>When have I ever meant duck? I'm going to go rewrite this stupid ducking autocorrect.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:34p)</span>
  <b> *FUCKING</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(7:35p)</span>
  <em>
    <span> Quack? 🦆 See yah</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <span>Sunday</span>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:39a) </span>
  <b>So I may have written an entirely new program based on a rudimentary AI? Which I have not made yet but I'm going to.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(3:41p) </span>
  <b>Aaaaaaand it's almost 4 AM… again</b>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:13a) </span>
  <b>Bring me sustenance</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:21a) </span>
  <b>I know you made coffee, Harley. I can smell it from here. Bring me some or I'll wring your scrawny neck when I finally crawl out of this pit.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(7:26a) You're such a melodramatic little bitch when you're sleep deprived. Maybe you should stop texting your boyfriend and get some sleep.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(7:27a) </span>
  <b>A) he's not my boyfriend and B) I have all sorts of reasons to be sleep deprived besides Bucky, excuse you.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(7:29a) Uhuh.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(7:30a) </span>
  <b>Coffee or perish</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(7:31a) Y'know, I was going to bring you some, but…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(7:31a) </span>
  <b>I'M SORRY</b>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:15a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Do you ever actually sleep</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(8:24a) </span>
  <b>Eh. Why would I? So many other things to do. Besides, who needs sleep when you can have coffee?</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(8:27a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Coffee IS 1 of the 3 food groups</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(8:28a) </span>
  <b>Harley tried to withhold coffee this morning.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(8:29a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Betrayal! Betrayal of the worst kind!</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(8:31a) </span>
  <b>I know. After I finally got some caffeine in my system, I shot him with his own taters.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(8:32a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Good. It's what he deserves. I better leave now if I wanna get any sweet bean juice of my own. Talk to you later.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(8:32a) </span>
  <b>Bye Bucky</b>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>(10:17a) Hey</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(10:24a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I do not speak to caffeine withholding demons</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(10:26a) You're an idiot</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(10:26a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Well that's just fucking rude</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(10:28a) BUT, Tony has been a lot happier since your dumb ass started texting him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(10:29a) So thank you.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(10:30a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I've been a lot happier since I texted Tony too. I'm glad I typed the wrong number that day.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(10:30a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Also my ass is a delight and smarter than average excuse you. Would you like a picture?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(10:30a) Dear Tesla please no</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(10:31a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Her name is Ethel [image]</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(10:32a) … </span>
</p><p>
  <span>(10:33a) For what possible fucking reason do you have a donkey</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(10:33a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>What can I say? I'm an ass man.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(10:34a) Why does Tony have to like you of all people?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(10:34a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Aw c'mon I'm not THAT bad. I do have to get back to shaving my cat though.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(10:34a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Tony likes me?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(10:37a) Yes. Now get back to whatever the fuck that means and never talk to me again, you disgusting sap.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>(10:41a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>STEVESTEVESTEVESTEVE TONY LIKES ME</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(10:43a) </span>
  <b>
    <em>Congrats. Stop texting me.</em>
  </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>[Calling Steve]</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>[Calling Steve]</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>[Calling Steve]</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(10:47a) </span>
  <b>
    <em>Stop calling me. I'm not picking up to listen to you scream in my ear about your crush.</em>
  </b>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <span>(10:48a) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Punk</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The kittens have all gone off to a rescue! But not before going home with a tech (our Bucky) and running over her face like a racetrack all night.</p><p>The leash eating dog continues to be a disaster and came in because he jumped on something and cut his belly open *sighs loudly @Flint* but we got him fixed up! Again... and i got a fun bit to add to the story maybe? (Not the animal injury, an actual fun bit.)</p><p>I'm officially back at school so whacky animal tails (ha see what I did there) will be in short supply ;(</p><p>Btw shaving cats is something that happens cause sometimes if they're old or feel bad, the stop grooming, and long haired cats are a pain to keep up with if they don't groom themselves, so shaving matted hair or pre-emptively shaving before it forms mats is a thing! But idk about you, if someone told 14 year old me they were shaving their cat, my head would go straight to the gutter.</p><p>Birds arent real. https://birdsarentreal.com</p><p>Will I ever finish this story? Idk. Prolly should write an outline or something... Shoot me a message on Tumblr @kurakaw or discord @kurakaw#3207 if you wanna bounce ideas with me!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Who Wants a Kiss from a Sweet Lil' Jawless Fish?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>In which Tony has a bad day, and I come for toxic masculinity's whole fucking wig.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello folks. It's been a hot minute. I'm sorry, I'd like to say it won't happen again but I'm fairly certain it will. I still don't have an ETA on them actually meeting or the end of this fic so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ hope you enjoy!</p><p>Warning: Tony has a bit of a bad day and says some slightly self deprecating stuff. Nothing too bad.</p><p>Tony is in bold, Bucky in italics.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="u">
    <span>Monday</span>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:45p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I have regrets</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:02p) </span>
  <b>Welcome to the club, Buckaroo</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:07p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Like an unusually large amount of regret in an unusually short amount of time</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:08p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Also that nickname is terrible. Thanks I hate it </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:10p) </span>
  <b>I can only do so much with a name like Bucky… what happened?</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:11p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I feel like I should be insulted on behalf of my name…</span>
  </em>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:11p) </span>
  <b>I feel like you’re changing the subject… You should be insulted BY your name.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:12p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Ouch okay. Just go for the jugular.</span>
  </em>
</p><p><span>(8:14p) </span><em><span>So I got off work and fed the cats, then I went over to my friend Steve’s place</span></em> <em><span>and our friend Clint was there</span></em></p><p>
  <span>(8:15p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Anyways, we got into an eating competition and I ate like 3 pizzas</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:16p) </span>
  <b>What the fuck</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:16p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I think I’m dying</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:17p) </span>
  <b>Well yes. You ate 3 pizzas.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:18p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Heartless</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:20p) </span>
  <b>You're gonna have to think of a new insult. Saying I don't have a heart got old years ago.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:21p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Who tf said that? I'll fucking fight them?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:22p) </span>
  <b>Plenty of people. You can't fight them all.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:22p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>As a wise man once told me, "Not with that attitude"</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:23p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Is it a bad time? Should I go?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:24p) </span>
  <b>No</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:24p) </span>
  <b>I mean yes, but you don't have to go.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:24p) </span>
  <b>I'm sorry. It's not you. I just… </b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:25p) </span>
  <b>I'm probably not going to be pleasant to be around right now, so maybe you should go</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:27p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>It's not you it's me? You're breaking up with me? I didn't even know we were dating!</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:27p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Buddy, it'll take more than that to get rid of me. I'm hangin on to you like a tick.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:28p) </span>
  <b>… that's disgusting… and sweet?</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:29p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Disgustingly sweet?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:29p) </span>
  <b>No.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:30p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Fine what about a lamprey</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:33p) </span>
  <b>I just looked that up and no. Not better at all. Possibly worse.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:34p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I am just a wee jawless fish. Let me love you.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:36p) </span>
  <b>Disgusting</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:37p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>*little lamprey kisses*</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:37p) </span>
  <b>Thank you Bucky</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:38p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>For the… lamprey kisses?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:39p) </span>
  <b>God no</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:39p) </span>
  <b>Please keep the lamprey kisses as far away from me as possible</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:40p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>;(</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:43p) </span>
  <b>For sticking around and distracting me</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:45p) </span>
  <b>It's been a day</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:52p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>No problem Tony</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:53p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I really don't mind</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:53p) </span>
  <b>Still. Thank you.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:53p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>You can show your gratitude by kissing a jawless fish :O [image]</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:54p) </span>
  <b>Right in front of my salad? [image]</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:55p) </span>
  <b>I think I'm gonna go yakk</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:58p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Are you actually eating a salad???</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:58p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Gross</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:03p) </span>
  <b>Oh my god are you one of those guys that doesn't eat vegetables because it isn't manly?</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:05p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Was that an insult? Are you insulting me? If my masculinity was that fragile, how could I do THIS? [image]</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:12p) </span>
  <b>Christ on a cracker</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:13p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Nope, just me, Bucky. Though I have been told the resemblance is striking.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:13p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jewish, long hair, beard</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:17p) </span>
  <b>I don't think Jesus ever wore daisy dukes and a leopard print crop top with pink sleeves.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:19p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>No, but he did wear a dress. And he owned it.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:20p) </span>
  <b>This is a combination of words I never thought I would say, but please stop being horny for Jesus.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:23p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Rude. I was just stating a fact.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:25p) </span>
  <b>Sure, Jan.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:28p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Besides I look damn good in a dress</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:28p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Also the salad thing is just that I don't like raw leafy greens.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:30p) </span>
  <b>I sorry I need a moment brain broke</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:34p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Offended by the thought of a man in a dress? Or people wanting edible vegetables?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:35p) </span>
  <b>No just</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:36p) </span>
  <b>Hnng thighs</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:37p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>HA. WHO'S HORNY NOW</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:42p) </span>
  <b>Sorry uh I'll just excuse myself.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:45p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>No come back. I like the attention.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:46p) </span>
  <b>I'm not making you uncomfortable or something?</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:49p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Not even a little</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:50p) </span>
  <b>If you say so</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:51p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>If you were making me uncomfortable, I would let you know. Loudly.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>(9:52p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I like to complain</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:55p) </span>
  <b>I've noticed.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:56p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>ROOD. UR THE WORST.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:58p) </span>
  <b>That is also old news.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(10:01p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Seriously who said that? I'm gonna fucking fight them</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(10:05p) </span>
  <b>Really. Don't worry about it Bucky.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(10:07p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I'm not worried. I'm pissed off. People shouldn't say that about you.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(10:09p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>And you can't say it doesn't affect you. It clearly does.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(10:15p) </span>
  <b>You don't even know me.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(10:18p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Wrong. I may not have met you, but I know enough about you to know you aren't any of that bs. You're good and caring, and that's more than can be said for most people, and you deserve better.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(11:46p) </span>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>Tony are you alr</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <span>Tuesday</span>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:32a) </span>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable but I won't take it back. You deserve better.</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:17p) </span>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>You are so much more than y</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <span>(5:23p) </span>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>I hope you're oka</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>If it wasn't clear, the strike through bits are drafts of texts that Bucky types out and does not send.</p><p>What is UP. Men can wear dresses, clothing has no gender and if that's the hill you wanna die on, weird hill, get outa here. I'm here, I'm queer, I don't give a FLYING FUCK about your weird gender norm wanks. That's all I have to say about that.</p><p>Also y'know those guys who think it's a personality trait to eat meat and are scared of vegetables? That's what I'm making fun of with the salad bit. And yes I DID reference the right in front of my salad meme.</p><p>And yes they're both emotionally constipated. But we love them anyways. You can thank the WI server for Bucky's incredibly cursed outfit.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Emotional Metamucil</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Things are resolved, sorta. Harley is given a dunce cap and his potato gun taken away (the DUM-E treatment).</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry for the wait, no I don't have an excuse... Yay I'm going to vet school in the fall???</p><p>Sobri provided Bucky's fantastic email address. I have no clue if it's a real email, but I kinda want it now.</p><p>Harley in plain text<br/>Bucky in italics<br/>Tony in bold</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="u">
    <span>Wednesday</span>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>(11:25a) What happened with you and Tony?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(1:30p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>What do you mean?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(1:45p) I think you know exactly what I fucking mean, old man</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(1:52p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Tony wasn't kidding when he said you have a mouth on you.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(1:58p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Explain it like I'm an idiot.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:03p) That'll be easy. I won't even have to pretend</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:05p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>… </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:07p) I told you that Tony's happier talking to you and not even 2 days later he's sulking and watching his phone like it's gonna bite him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:10p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I told him that he deserves better than people talking shit about him</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:11p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>And I stand by what I said</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:11p) Oh no</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:12p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:13p) You can't just say nice things to him!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:14p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Why the fuck not</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:15p) He's got dismally low self esteem and will think you're lying</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:16p) We're working on it</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:18p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Who is we</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:20p) Yes</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:22p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Thanks kid. You're so incredibly helpful, as usual.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:23p) Of course I'm helpful. I'm always helpful. Unlike you two emotionally constipated idiots.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:26p) Look, just let me talk to Tony. Don't hold it against him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:27p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Excuse you. My emotional bowels are extremely lax.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:30p) Ew.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:31p) That's disgusting.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:35p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>You were asking for it</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(2:42p) I really, really wasn’t</span>
</p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>(5:56p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hey. I talked to Harley.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:02p) </span>
  <b>Hey</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:03p) </span>
  <b>So did I</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:06p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Yeah? How did that go?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:07p) </span>
  <b>He’s been banished. He’s getting the DUM-E treatment. </b>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:07p) </span>
  <b>But as much as I hate to admit it, he was right about a few things</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:09p) </span>
  <b>I’m sorry for freaking out and ignoring you. I would say it won’t happen again, but then I’d just be lying</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:12p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>You’re allowed to freak out, but please don’t ignore me next time</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:14p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Just let me know if I say something that makes you uncomfortable, and we can talk about it, alright?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:17p) </span>
  <b>Okay</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:18p) </span>
  <b>Anything exciting happen while I was busy screaming?</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:24p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jailbreak [image]</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:30p) </span>
  <b>So many cats</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:34p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Yeah one of the new cats is apparently real handy with his little bastard paws and let all the cats out, so we had a mess when we came in the next morning</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:36p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Zander is a little stoner and found the catnip [image]</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:41p) </span>
  <b>That cat looks broken</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:41p) </span>
  <b>Are there always so many cats?</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:44p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>I mean, yeah usually? We’re on the full side of normal, but yeah.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:48p) </span>
  <b>Huh. I didn’t realize just how many… </b>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:49p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Most rescues are always looking for fosters, it isn’t unusual… Want a cat?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:53p) </span>
  <b>I barely manage to feed myself. Harley mostly takes care of himself. I don’t think I could be responsible for another living being…</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(7:57p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Well think of it this way, if you forget to feed the both of you, the cat will feast on your corpse, but volunteers are also great.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:02p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Too much? Sorry. How bout this: Are you impressed with how much of a pussy magnet I am?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:26p) </span>
  <b>You are just… wow… I was picking at a bit of coding, and I come back, and you gave me whiplash. Why.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:34p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>You know you love it babe</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:37p) </span>
  <b>Ridiculous</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:40p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Yeah, we’ve been over this. Stop repeating yourself or people will think you’re losing it in your old age.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:42p) </span>
  <b>I’m literally only 3 years older than you.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:43p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>As I said: old</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:44p) </span>
  <b>Alright, infant</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:47p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hmm… that backfired…</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:51p) </span>
  <b>Like a Hammer weapon. Speaking of Hammer’s shitty tech, you looked into the SI prosthetic program yet?</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:55p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>No, I've been busy. But if this stupid arm doesn't stop acting up, I'm going to find Justin Hammer and throw it at him.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:57p) </span>
  <b>You should. I won't say all or even most, but a lot of their problems come from shoddy workmanship and cheap materials. Also planned obsolescence and refusal to make things accessible for at home maintenance, but that's a whole different thing.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:57p) </span>
  <b>Want me to send you a few info pages?</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:59p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Wow, someone has beef… if you don't mind, that would be great.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(8:59p) </span>
  <b>I tried to work with him a few times. I regretted it. So much.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:00p) </span>
  <b>Send me your email and I'll send them over.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:02) </span>
  <a href="mailto:t1nyt03bean5@gmail.com">
    <em>
      <span>t1nyt03bean5@gmail.com</span>
    </em>
  </a>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:06p) </span>
  <b>… </b>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:09p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Don't judge me. I was drunk off my ass and crying about a kitten when I made it.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:10p)</span>
  <b> What happened to the kitten?</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:10p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>What???</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:12p) </span>
  <b>What happened to the kitten? Why were you crying about it?</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:14p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Nothing? It was just a very cute kitten.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:15p) </span>
  <b>… </b>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:16p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>You clearly just don’t understand the power of the toe beans [image]</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:16p) </span>
  <b>Is that Alpine?</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:17p) </span>
  <b>Dear Tesla. It’s past 9. I need to get back to work.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:21p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Yeah, that’s Alpine. Go work. I’ll talk to you tomorrow?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:23p) </span>
  <b>Yes. Good night, Bucky.</b>
</p><p>
  <span>(9:24p) </span>
  <em>
    <span>Night Tony</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hello I have so many other fics going now and honestly I kinda forgot my timeline for this one. I'm just thriving on crack dialogue. If anyone is still reading this and has opinions, hmu. Also I've definitely pulled a Bucky and cried over a baby animal for no reason other than baby.</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So I have the start of chapter 2 written but other than that, no solid plans for how this is going to go. If you have plot thoughts (not thot thoughts) lemme know in comments or on tumblr @kurakaw.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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